@TuffyNyC

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

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@ristolable

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

@OneLastStranger

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

@Aikiwomannc

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

@philmann

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

@Breadery

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

@lucidchemistry

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

@AndyAsAdjective

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

@JediGigi

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.