@ristolable I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
@TuffyNyC My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
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@ristolable 
@OneLastStranger Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
@Aikiwomannc *3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
@philmann [me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
@Breadery My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
@lucidchemistry [in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
@AndyAsAdjective TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
@JediGigi Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
@Halbeerz Finally
@hansabumsadaisy #rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.