My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
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[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
British websites use biscuits.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it