@TuffyNyC

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

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@UnFitz

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

@AndrewChamings

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

@ScottLinnen

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

@DaddyJew

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

@GreenishDuck

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

@DamienFahey

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

@HRTSMRT

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.