My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
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” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose