my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
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My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
man i love columbo
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.