My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
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My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon