My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
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people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I feel seen.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
One of the best
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?