My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
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It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.