My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
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Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.