My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
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Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Breaking news:
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*