My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

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They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.


Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.


THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude


me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever


You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.


Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.


“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”


I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway


From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.


I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him