My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
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I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Poetry is my passion
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”