My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
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Ugh but profoundly
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit