My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
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Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.