My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
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Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I did not eat the cake…
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”