My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
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“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
