My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
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This came to me in a dream.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
opening twitter today
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi