My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
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Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Investing in beetcoin
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Wikigenius
they split up moments later
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.