My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
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ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I’m not stressed
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested