My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
You Might Also Like
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?