Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

Yup.

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

🤫

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.