my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
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All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.