My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
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A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Me irl
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
#oldknees
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…