My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
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WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.