My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
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No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)