My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
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[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
#Caturday
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit