My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
You Might Also Like
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate