My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
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“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!