My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
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Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Meme Monday.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists