My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
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if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Meow
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.