my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
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Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
That’s it.I’m out.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
yeah not falling for this one
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM