My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
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I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
But wait…
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”