My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

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”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer


Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.


Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic


Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right


ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t


If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.