@Reverend_Scott

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

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@asimplesean

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

@ch000ch

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

@Reverend_Scott

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

@LeonEarlgrey

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

@PrettyInCamo11

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

@Darlainky

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

@ColoradoUgly

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

@atDevin

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

@kelkulus

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.