“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
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Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.