My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
not seeing the problem
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
The first matador
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Day 2 of my diet
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter