My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
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My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.