My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
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We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section