My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
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If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one