@mellimelle
@CulturedRuffian Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
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@CulturedRuffian 
@sparticus_af cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
@sofarrsogud KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
@better_off_dad2 15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
@chadchaines I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
@QwertyJones3 6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
@uhhmmily me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
@JElvisWeinstein 
@huntigula her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
@XplodingUnicorn Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?