My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.

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Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.


cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please


KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes


15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’


I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used


6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*


me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that


her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous


Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?