@mellimelle

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.

You Might Also Like

@CulturedRuffian

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

@sparticus_af

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

@sofarrsogud

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

@better_off_dad2

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

@chadchaines

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

@QwertyJones3

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

@uhhmmily

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

@huntigula

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?