
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?