@mellimelle

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.

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@bmarked21

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

@Floatersfinest

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

@jus4golf

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

@AndyShulk

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

@sarabethkay

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

@WilliamRodgers

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

@MetteAngerhofer

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

@Randazzoj

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

@ch000ch

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

@BenOnus_Kenobus

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.