My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable