My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
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Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.