@TampaBayMomma

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

You Might Also Like

@Shade510

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

@HonestToddler

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

@JoshuaPotash

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

@RodLacroix

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

@ColorMeScradd

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

@tiReynard

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

@dogfather

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

@hevanlyy

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

@AndyAsAdjective

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

@ReticentTurnip

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora