My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
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As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Noted.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing