@TampaBayMomma

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

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@Ygrene

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

@onion_an

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

@House_Feminist

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

@

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

@NickBSawyer

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

@RidiculousSheri

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Pizza”

“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”

“No.”

“Playing hard to get who?”

@TheBoydP

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

@ch000ch

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

@TheAndrewNadeau

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.