My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

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* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes


Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*


I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”


Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great


MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”


If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”


*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*


I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.


[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah


Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora