My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
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Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing