My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

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I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.


DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent


Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.


[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.


*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*


Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.


Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones



me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.


“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children


“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”