My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
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sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”