my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
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anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
bugs when you lift up a rock
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie