My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
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Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I love you…
…r dog.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up