My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
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[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”