“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
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Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.