My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
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Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
time machine? you mean a clock?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Today’s Times
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?