@SupaJ76

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

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@geowizzacist

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

@Owl_Meat

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

@MrEd_EVH

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

@

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

@riot4rach

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

@causticbob

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

@bingowings14

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

@GreenishDuck

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.