My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

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The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”


I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.


The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there


wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”


You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike


Greatest Fears:
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks


[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.