My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
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I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia