The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
You Might Also Like
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..