My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
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Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
🤣🤣💀
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that