My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
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Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?