@imence2

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

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@bazecraze

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

@ericonederful

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

@GrowlyGrego

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

@walkercapl

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

@BeagirlNJ

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

@HousewifeOfHell

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.