@AbbieEvansXO ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
@QwertyJones3 My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
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@AbbieEvansXO 
@simoncholland I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
@SvnSxty children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
@caithuls COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
@msgwenl I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
@bartandsoul Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
@BoycottLex This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
@nsturden True embarrassment lies within your first email address
@EmergencyQB How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
@Reverend_Scott I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.