@QwertyJones3

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

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@BrassBallsCJ

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

@WhatevaConc

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

@caliluvgirl77

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

@OctopusCaveman

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

@UnFitz

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

@joe_binkley

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

@GoldenSpirals

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

@whatsJo

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

@jakob_huber

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus