My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
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Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.