My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

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I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?


The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.



I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.


My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome


Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.


“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”


Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.


For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.


We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.


[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus