My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

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ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment


I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.


children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat


COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs


I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.


Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.


True embarrassment lies within your first email address


How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?


I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.