My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
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Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot