My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
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Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I bet
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂