“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
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If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.